During my pre-Ashtanga days I was a bit overweight. It’s true, though nobody believes me (I’ll post pics if necessary). Not a lot overweight, but I didn’t feel good in my body. I had been trying for years on my own to lose the extra weight with no luck. I was jogging 5-6 days a week, cycling, aerobics, spinning, you name it I was trying it, still with no luck. So I did what any other broke college student would do, I hired a personal trainer. I decided it was better to spend that money on my health than going out, eating out, drinking out. Her name was (I’m sure it still is) Joyce. She was a competitive body builder and she was fierce. She set up a 5-6 day a week program for me. Some days on my own and some under her watchful eye. I told her I couldn’t commit to coming to the gym that many times a week. She looked at me and said ‘Girl, don’t give me that. 3 days a week to maintain, 5-6 to transform. You want to do this?’ She was sassy but so was I. I continued to resist. She didn’t budge. I surrendered thinking ‘well I’ve tried everything else, what do I have to lose?’

(picture taken at Grateful Dead concert 1993)

I spent months with Joyce. She would have me on cardio, free weights and weight machines. The repetitions were ascending and descending pyramids often times until failure. I would be close to crying, she would stand over me, encouraging me, never letting me quit saying ‘You got one more in there, keep going, one more!’ She taught me that when it got hard, to focus my gaze, to breath, to exhale on the exertion and give my entire heart to the process. I loved her. She terrified me and inspired me. She taught me how to eat, how to train and how to not succumb to the mental blocks and perceived obstacles. She taught me discipline. She was my first yoga teacher.

A few years later I discovered Ashtanga yoga. When I stepped into Noah Williams and Kimberly Flynn’s Ahimsa studio in Los Angeles the first thing Noah said to me was ‘In this system of yoga you practice 5-6 days a week’. I thought ‘oh, not this S%#$ again’. I told him I couldn’t commit to coming to the yoga studio that many times a week. His response was ‘well you’re welcome to watch and observe class until you’re ready to commit’. I opened the thick curtains to the studio and watched as students moved with breath. I immediately knew it was for me. I signed up. 

After college I was engaged to be married. When it came down to it I walked away. I told my partner I couldn’t commit to being in the relationship that many times a week. The patterns of human existence are painful aren’t they? Try and get out of this human experience without commitment and you may end up with a superficial existence; a ghost moving from one event to another. 

We recognize the importance of daily cleansing. We wash the dishes and our clothes. Ashtanga Yoga is the daily cleansing of the mind. In order to understand the subtleties and move beyond the gross, a daily practice is done. In the same way you brush your teeth and scrub your bum. Ashtanga Yoga cleanses away the dirt of negative thoughts, doubts, anger and self hatred. A tiny exorcism. This is crucial for all humans. No one is too busy for these minor miracles. Your family and loved ones will thank you. 

I ask students to commit to the practice because that is how they will deeply and truly benefit. Of course I lose potential students. They’re afraid of ‘my’ strict policy.  It’s not actually my policy. It’s how Mysore teachers were taught and how they were instructed to teach (if students of Pattabhi Jois). Guruji asked his teachers to teach as he taught us. He didn’t ask us to translate or interpret or modify, blend styles or create our own styles. He said teach as I taught you. It is not out of laziness but out of respect. I gave my verbal and written word to transmit the teachings as they were passed down to me. That is the honor everyday. That is a blessing. There are plenty of studios that will take your money without asking you to show up. I will ask you to show up every day and please bring your head and heart with you.   

I have a tattoo on my ring finger of the 60th image of the i-ching, loosely meaning limitations. Or more specifically ‘success comes to those that set limitations on themselves’. When people ask me what it means and I explain, their eyes glaze over. Some laugh uncomfortably waiting for the punch line, others curl their upper lip. According to this image, this is the very key to success, balance and harmony in Nature. Here is one of many interpretations.

‘Limitations are troublesome, but they are effective. If we live economically in normal times, we are prepared for times of want. To be sparing saves us from humiliation. Limitations are also indispensable in the regulation of world conditions. In nature there are fixed limits for summer and winter, day and night, and these limits give the year its meaning. Unlimited possibilities are not suited to man; if they existed, his life would only dissolve in the boundless. To become strong, a man's life needs the limitations ordained by duty and voluntarily accepted. The individual attains significance as a free spirit only by surrounding himself with these limitations and by determining for himself what his duty is.’

The concept of limitations has long become an evil in western culture as we strive to be individual, free, and unique. From the 99%, the 1%, yoga and sex scandals, the economic climate, take a look around. What do we do with our freedom? 

I sometimes hear it said that Ashtanga Yoga is rigid. Most recently as the yoga of ‘no’. It’s a common misconception. From the external perspective you see 2 maybe 3 different series of asana practiced 5 to 6 days a week with no change in the sequencing. That’s enough to send many fair yogis and yoginis scurrying away to other styles of yoga that promise the Kool-Aid of bliss. Understandably, the promise of love is hard to ignore. 

So where do we find it in the yoga practice, especially when we do the same thing each and everyday? Do we succumb to auto pilot, forgetting the love and curiosity that drew us to the practice in the first place? For the past 3 trips that I’ve been to India Sharath reminds us to not be so serious, to be light and sweet in the practice. It’s easy to forget, if we’re trying to forget, that we’re human. 

‘But in limitation we must observe due measure. If a man should seek to 

impose humiliating limitations upon his own nature, it would be injurious. And if he should go too far in imposing limitations on others, they would rebel. Therefore it is necessary to set limits even upon limitation.’

So I ask myself over and over again while I’m practicing, where’s the love? Where’s the beauty? Where’s the grace? And immediately on the next inhale, it’s there. I melt. It welcomes my heart and spirit home. Truly, we only have self imposed limitations. It doesn’t matter what the body is doing but where the heart is all along.

One of the many interesting things I told my teacher on my last trip to India was ‘I quit Ashtanga.’  My reasoning was; how long am I going to be doing this for?  How long am I going to be hopping around on my mat for?  Another 20 years, 30?  How many years do I have?  I was overwhelmed and under-inspired. 

His response was simple and expressionless.  ‘You can’t.’  My chest swelled with rebellion.  ‘Why not?’  ‘Because what else are you going to do?’ he asked innocently as he took a sip of chai.  I quickly went through a list of possibilities karate…no, swimming…no, vinyasa classes….NO.  I do seated meditation, I do japa.  Was there really nothing else?  I desperately clung on to my story (the mind works fast) searching for something else.  There was nothing.  I surrendered.  He was right.  What else was I going to do? 

I sat back in my chair and breathed in that bittersweet reality.  This is it.

As one would imagine that day passed like all the other ones and I got up the next morning to practice.  Then another day came and went and I practiced.  My so-called ‘Ashtanga Crisis’ passed effortlessly so. 

The mind with all of its preferences, opinions, thoughts and desires is a very tricky rascal to navigate.  It can be very convincing indeed.  Many spiritual masters refer to the mind as a monkey.  Swami Satyananda Saraswati used to refer to the mind as a drunk monkey.  He would say that we’re not trying to control the mind, we’re simply trying to become friends with the mind.  In this case…would you trust your friend that’s drunk all the time, acting like a monkey?  Would you do everything your drunk friend told you to do?  No.  Yet we do it all the time.  We fall prey to the thoughts, patterns and conditionings of the mind time and time again. 

Many people have practiced Ashtanga Yoga for some time and then quit saying ‘doing the same thing made them go on auto-pilot’ or ‘I was not inspired’ or ‘It was too hard’.  They blame the system and make it wrong in the name of continuing their search.  Inspiration is not something permanent to attain.  The inspiration comes from interrupting the constant cynic in the back of the mind.  Knowing yourself comes from re-establishing internal dialogue as opposed to continuously swaying with each and every desire.  Then the truth comes bubbling up.    

This is perhaps one of the best things about Ashtanga Yoga.  It is sobering.  There is no extraordinary bliss.  No extraordinary drama.  Unless of course, that’s what you choose.  It’s just you, the breath and the brilliance and cleverness to re- commit every day. 

The next time you feel overwhelmed by the demands of a daily practice, take it easy.  It’s just one breath at a time.